Man, I went out to look at the triathlon site yesterday. I figure I may as well get as much info as I can in this new endeavor. The swim and run look OK. But the biking! OMG, there are some serious hills on that course! I've not been biking on hills in the real world, only in spin class! So, I'm freaking. OK, I was freaking anyway, but now I have another detail to add to the "reasons to freak out about this event" pile. I was partly down playing things when I've been saying all of these months that simply finishing the event will be a win for me. But now I am darn sure that is true. I've gained weight and decreased my training, setting myself up to be in suboptimal shape for this. I spoke with Pat today, and realized that I have given myself permission to do this thing as slowly as I need to (I can walk the bike and myself, if need be) and to accept help if I need it. But until we spoke, I didn't realize that I had not given myself permission to quit if I need to in order to avoid damage i.e. if I pull or twist something. And doing this the best I can is important, because I have a habit of quitting too many times when things get difficult.

I went and swam tonight. Two weeks from today is my triathlon. I still seem to have no stamina swimming freestyle, and I'd not ever swam the equivalent of the race length. So I did it tonight. 90% was side stroke, but I did it. Took me 25 minutes. And the biking part takes me about 40-45 minutes (when doing just that), the run 40-45 minutes also. And I anticipate walking a fair amount of it, so I figure a good 2 hours of exercise. And, I can finish, which is my goal. I've not timed the training too well as far as being at my peak fitness level for this race. But, I will finish. It keeps coming back to that for me.

My sister probably won't make the race after all. I'm disappointed. It would have been so cool to hang with her for a bit. It looks like my son will come watch. My friends are all out of town, it seems. (Hear the "poor me" in that comment?) I am glad that Mike will be there, so I have someone I know to celebrate with. He might take pictures, too.

I'm still keeping the extra weight on, now up 18#. Not watching what I eat.

I freaked out after getting down so much, and put back on 15 pounds in 5 weeks. And I haven't gotten it back off yet. I get that I feel more comfortable fat, as that is the way I know myself - "It's Me." But I also get now that I feel better at a lower weight - my body is groaning thru my workouts now, lugging this extra weight with me. Experience can be so much more eye opening than intellect. Noticing the dramatic effect on working out with an extra 15 pounds compared to just 2 months ago is an experience that will be difficult to "forget" (which I like to do).

And, yes, I am still doing the triathlon on July 16. I have no concerns about the biking or running part. The swimming, however, is another story. I got some lessons - wow, what a huge difference for me! I am so glad I finally did, and very cost effective. Now it is a matter of pushing the swimming endurance. What I am finding was confirmed by an instructor today - there is no other sport that gets me in shape for swimming. But, swimming endurance will translate to every other activity. So my goal now is to swim 3 times a week, and run and bike both once or twice only.

Tonight I watched the movie "28 Days" with Sandra Bullock. Pat suggested it. Wow, what a story. I so identified with all of the addicts in her rehab program. And I saw (again) that I am doing all of my checking out activities to not be alone with me (and God). Playing games, reading, eating - anything to avoid the quiet. The anxiety I feel in that quiet. Heck, even my finally getting back on this blog is partly a way of doing something to avoid feeling. That came up several times during the movie, her discomfort with silence when she came into the program, and her identifying a need for quiet as an important part of her staying in recovery by the end of the show. And it just hit me between the eyes.

I weighed in last night and lost a bunch of weight again for a total of 62.1 pounds gone since I joined Wt. Watchers on 2/2/05. And then on the way home I was thinking about it. 62 pounds is a lot of weight. But, I had lost 30#, and kept off 28 of it the year before I joined WW. So I have actually lost 90 pounds from my heaviest! Now THAT is a lot of weight. I've let go of a small person. Perhaps I had a double or split personality, and I'm letting go of one of them?!? Naahhh. But it sounds funny (at least to someone like me used to bad medical humor).

Anyway, I celebrated by sending out an "I'm celebrating" e-mail to everyone appropriate on my mailing list. Plus I told a couple of people in person today at work. And I'm going to buy a big arrangement of roses for me, and go out for a special (sober) meal at a very nice restaurant here, the one I love for celebrations. This is worth celebrating. And my next goal will be, too, and the next one after that, and... This is one of the things that I've learned to do more from some of the coaches I've had - to celebrate my successes. Sometimes I'm better at it than others. And it really is important to acknowledge my achievements - I see the differences in my stick-to-it-ness when I celebrate progress vs. when I don't.

I weighed in and am down another .8 pounds 2 nights ago for a total of almost 58 pounds. So cool. I'm signed up for my triathlon, and I'm very excited. And I'm flying down to see my family later today, and my sister (who is also doing the triathlon, in fact is the one who got me into it) and I are going to work out together, which I am really looking forward to. And, I have had to be careful about feeling triggered by my family and acting out with food in the past, so I need to stay very aware during my visit. That will serve me by allowing me to choose differently this time.

This website got hijacked by a phishing scam yesterday. Kind of scary. My webmaster was wonderful, treated it as a "do it yesterday" problem, which it was. Thank God for the 2 people who sent me e-mails letting me know that they had received a "_ Bank verify your info" inquiry, and was my site legit or hijacked? I am very clear about why I need to keep the stringent guidelines in place for anyone who requests to blog on this site, though that's not where this came from.